A little reflection of the soul
Hmmm. I've been having a long think about things, and I've come to a decision. And that is pertaining to exactly what I'm looking for in a boyfriend.
Ok, ok. I know, I know. She's rambling about guys once again. But c'mon. Let me get all this out. And who knows? It might actually be interesting. And heck! Why not make sure it is interesting? I claim one shot for each reason why the thing itself is stupid.
What? Muslims can’t do yoga because it has its roots in Hinduism?
How much more crazy do you want to get?
Alright, this is a nice diversion from those idiots over at Saudi who says that women shouldn't work, has to wear veils and stuff like that. Those I recognize as a huge problem, and I know that it's there as a form of constraining the people to be more malleable to the way the government wants to run things.
But come ON. No yoga cause it stems from Hinduism? Did some absolutely bored person sitting in the Islamic department and going, "Ok, I don't have anything better to do. Lets drop topics in a hat, and pull one out. Then we'll figure out some way to ban it!"
".. alright, which smartass put YOGA in there?"
Wow. Talk about ages.
I am so. Utterly. Stressed out. Can you (Oh ho ho ho. As if there's anyone reading this right now) believe that I almost started this on DeviantART? Where other people will actually see it? Talk about almost losing it.
I've been drifting off here and there. It's like... total indifference has settled in. Well... maybe indifference isn't the word for it. I know I can't focus, I know it's hard to put on the usual mask. It's difficult to concentrate on anything.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've accepted it. That I don't even want to try anymore. There's no point, really. It's all a struggle, and to do what? Just to have others notice not the effort you're putting in, but notice that there's still that little thing that strikes them as strange.
No one sees it as trying to be normal. Everyone only focuses on the part which you can't get. Oh no, you try your best, hit perhaps 90%... but they don't see it. They only see the 10% that you lack.
And the worst part is... I can feel the 10% I lack.
No matter how hard I try, I'm always going to fail.
I'm tired. So so tired. I know, I keep on saying that but hell. It's true. I'm refusing my meds now; I'm just so sick and tired of seeing all those pills, and knowing I have to take them to come anywhere close to normal. There's like... 11 pills now for me to eat nightly. 3 in the morning.
I hate those pills.
I know I'll get worse if I don't take them... but funnily enough I don't care now. Maybe, if I get worse enough, I won't be so scared anymore. Won't be scared of any pain, and won't feel any regret or fear.
Maybe then I'll have the courage to end it all.
Because I'm so sick of everything. Every. Single. Thing.
Beginning of a break-down
*sigh*
So. Yesterday I went for my first day to Kemuda college. It was so much more tiring than I thought it would be. Throughout the entire 2 hours I was so stressed out. I thought I'd be ok sitting at the back, but then I got really frustrated because I couldn't read the board properly. Because, thanks to one of my meds, my vision is really blurred.
Then being in a really crowded room started to get to me... since I didn't know anyone there. Thank God though the proper lecturer wasn't there so there wasn't really anything to do so I just spent my time surfing. But by the end I was starting to really freak out.
When I got back home it was still getting to me and by the end of the day I just gave in and hid away in my room.
Oh hey, say hi to the new drug
*le sigh*
Another drug to add to the plethora I'm taking. Apparently now I've got problems with my thyroid so I've been given thyroxine to fix it up. Unfortunately it's giving me lots of side effects.
Urgh. Hate hate hate hate hate -_-